Long Road

I started this post with the title "Disconcerted" but went with "Long Road" for simplicity's sake...

I know the Internet isn't the place to bear one's soul but somehow I don't perceive rational thinking will prevail right now. I feel pretty much like this picture. I'm here. On a path to somewhere. Darned if I know where it's going. I should just enjoy the ride - there's plenty of neat things to look at. But I find myself either looking back, second guessing past...we'll call them..."intersections"...or thinking about the future "what-ifs" lost in a day dream of better situations. Definitely not living in the moment.

I had a heart-to-heart with my boss last week. Felt frustrated at work. Frustrated about work. Perhaps more than a little frustrated about life (in the professional career/job sense.) And she proceeded to call me out. Told me that she can't figure me out. That I'm "wishy-washy." Asked me what I really wanted and told me to either commit myself or move on. And while she was at it, she pointed out that I also needed to stop:

1. Letting other's define me
2. Being so judgmental
3. Being too quick at the mouth

I've heard this feedback before...most recently...about two years-ish ago. I guess I either forgot the lesson or never learned it in the first place. Perhaps that's why I find myself where I find myself. Perhaps another chance to learn the lesson. Prior to this conversation a lot of...we'll call it..."sharing" came my way through several near-and-dear-types that I needed to be engaged in the work I found myself. To stop living in the future I wanted to be in and focus on where I was and make the most of it.

Specific examples include:

-The ancient writer Flavius Magnus Aurelius Cassiordorus said: "He is invited to do great things who receives small things greatly."
-"Not knowing the end result."
-"When life hands you lemons make lemonade."
-I even saw a quote on a WorkMed wall from Abraham Lincoln that said: "Whatever you are, be a good one."

But I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I have an advanced degree and I work at Wal-Mart. Ain't pride great? Case in point: I'm walking towards the front of the store today when I notice a gentleman walking back towards Electronics. I notice him because he's well dressed. Nice slacks and shoes. Pressed, collar shirt. Business dress. Perhaps the clothes I would want to be wearing if I were in any other job of my choosing. I get closer to the individual. I'm practically on top of the guy and realize that he's a classmate from my MBA program. We didn't make eye contact at close range. Not sure if he recognized me from a distance, or not. All I know is that I felt horribly ashamed. Throw in a mix of embarrassment while you're at it. Now, I know the worst thing in the world you can do to yourself is to fall into the "comparison" trap but there I was thinking that here's "George" in his post-MBA life doing really well (at least looking the part) and I'm an Assistant Manager at Wal-Mart. What am I doing here? How did I end up here?

I feel inadequate. I feel as if I'm not living up to my potential. This isn't what greatness was supposed to look like after graduation. And I feel sad...as if I'm mourning unrealized goals, aspirations and dreams. I'm really struggling with this...